Tuesday, June 19, 2012


I cried tonight.

I hadn't done that in awhile. I'd been fine all day. So what was the trigger? Facebook, or more specifically, photos of babies on Facebook. It's not that I envy the friends who have babies. I'm truly, genuinely happy for them. Those photos sometimes remind me of all the things Cole was not able to do, and tonight was one of those times. Maybe I should just block the friends to keep their posts from showing up in my news feed. Or maybe I should just stop checking Facebook. Neither of those will ever happen because I love babies (and I really enjoy Facebook). I love  baby toes and baby skin. I love fuzzy baby heads, and soft baby cheeks. My friends with babies have been given sweet, little gifts. I hope they all realize that as they are dealing with sleepless nights, feedings, diapers, and laundry. So keep the photos coming, friends. I really do love seeing your babies and everything they are doing.

Speaking of cheeks (we were, right?), Cole's were the best. Little man weighed only 3 lbs. 12 oz. when he was born. He was so little, but as he grew, his cheeks seemed to take over. They were soft, squishy, and oh so kissable.

Here are some of my favorite cheek photos:

So peaceful

I grabbed the camera since I knew his eyes
wouldn't stay open for long.

*Showin' some attitude

*One of my most favorite photos of Cole

*Snuggling with Mommy

*I posted this already, I know, but I can't help it.

*The best.

*Photos courtesy of Keri Dummerth Photography

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Father's Day

I cannot say enough about my husband, Cole's daddy. He is incredibly loving and patient, and was an excellent father to Cole. Happy Father's Day Eric!

Saturday, June 16, 2012


Nine months ago today, Cole passed away. Last month, the 16th went by, and I didn't realize it until a couple of days later. From October until April, I was emotional on the 16th. Even in the few days leading up to the 16th of those months I felt down. Perhaps I was subconsciously aware of it. Having "let" that day go by last month, I felt like maybe everything was getting easier. But here it is, the 16th of June, and I felt sad for part of the day. Maybe it's also because tomorrow is Father's day, and Mother's Day was hard for me. I asked my husband yesterday how he was feeling about Father's day, and he said he was just proud to be Cole's daddy. He wanted to visit the cemetery today, so we did. As strange as it sounds, I love to go "visit" Cole. The cemetery sits behind a quaint little country church surrounded by trees, and it's only about 15 minutes from home. It's so quiet and peaceful there. I enjoy brushing stray pieces of grass from Cole's stone and admiring the cute little lamb we had engraved on it. We have a blue pinwheel stuck in the ground, and when it spins and spins, I picture Cole waving excitedly to me from Heaven. I just know he's having a beautiful, perfect life there. I miss my baby. Nine months is much, much too long to have not seen him. But I know he's happy. I know with certainty I will see him again someday.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Newsighted: What's in a Name

The term "newsighted" came to mind as I remember my baby boy, Cole. He was born with numerous, serious medical issues that made up a condition that doctors were unable to diagnose. One aspect of his condition that I think broke my heart the most was that Cole was blind. My son rarely opened his eyes, and when he did, usually just barely or for a very brief amount of time, he couldn't see. I wanted my son to see colors, the sky, flowers...everything, and most of all, the faces of all of us that loved him. Right before Cole died, his eyes were opened wide. They were blinking and moving. We were astounded! Did God give our son sight to see us before he left this earth? God can do anything, so that was a real possibility. What a gift that was; to see Cole's deep, dark, blue eyes for a sustained amount of time. We knew he was ready to leave us and was going to be okay. Now that Cole is in Heaven, his little body is new and perfect. I feel such joy when I think about all that Cole is doing and SEEING!

Not only does Cole have new sight, but so do I. Losing a child has changed the way I view life, death, God, my husband, you name it. Cole's life was short, but it was full of purpose. I may never know the full extent of God's purpose for Cole, but I know for certain that Cole had an impact on many, many people. I love this quote that I came across on a baby loss website, "There is no foot too small that it cannot leave an imprint on this world".

So true.

photos courtesy of Keri Dummerth Photography

UPDATE 2017: After nearly six years of extensive research, we received confirmation of a diagnosis. Cole had a rare genetic condition related to the RTTN gene. About ten to twelve cases have been reported in the world, and because it is so rare, his case will be reported in a medical journal and entered into a gene matching website (think match.com, but for genetics). This information could potentially help doctors, researchers, and families with children with the same symptoms and characteristics who don't yet have a diagnosis. This is just another way God will use Cole's life for good.