Missing

I haven't been here in awhile, and to be perfectly honest, I feel like I am not okay. My head is swimming, and physically I am run down. I miss Cole so much, and it just hurts. I remind myself repeatedly that where he is now is wonderful, but as his momma I want Cole to be here. I miss his skin, his cheeks, and the blonde fuzz on his head. I miss giving him a bath and the funny little shimmy shake he would do when I tried to clean his neck. I was never sure if it tickled or if he was annoyed. Whatever it was, it was just one of the qualities that made Cole unique and so very special. I miss how he would pull his knees up tight when we would change his diaper. We even had to go up one size sooner than necessary to make changings easier. For a baby who wasn't supposed to have much awareness of his surroundings, he sure would let us know that he didn't like to be messed with!





I miss his fingers too. Two on each hand were fused. The fingers on Cole's left hand were contracted most of the time except for the pointer finger. We would laugh when it looked as if Cole was pointing at something or someone. It was just so cute! But those fingers were also a sad reminder of Cole's host of issues that would take him from us too soon. I miss Cole's physical presence, but if he was still here, his struggles would be too. I miss my baby, but he's okay now.



The holidays have come and gone, and they were tough for me, even more so than in 2011, the year that Cole died. I don't know. I was probably still in some kind of shock then. I am in the second year of grief now, and I have read and heard that the second year is harder. I'm beginning to think that it is true. Eric and I have six nieces and one nephew that we adore.They all live out of town, and were here with their parents for Christmas. We have been blessed and are so fortunate that since the beginning of our relationship, our families have gotten along very well, and we typically spend holidays all together even if it is just us and both sets of parents. While it was wonderful to see our three siblings and their families this past Christmas, it seemed to magnify the painful fact that Cole isn't here. My sister-in-law even said to me that when she first saw us, it didn't seem right that Cole wasn't with us. He was missing.

 

We miss you Cole,

but we know you are whole

and perfect in every way.

 

You brought us such joy

our sweet baby boy.

We want you here today.

 

We know you're just fine,

but we long for the time

to be with you in Heaven.

 

Until that day arrives

we'll cherish your life

and the memories we've been given.

photos courtesy of Keri Dummerth Photography



Cheeks

I cried tonight.


I hadn't done that in awhile. I'd been fine all day. So what was the trigger? Facebook, or more specifically, photos of babies on Facebook. It's not that I envy the friends who have babies. I'm truly, genuinely happy for them. Those photos sometimes remind me of all the things Cole was not able to do, and tonight was one of those times. Maybe I should just block the friends to keep their posts from showing up in my news feed. Or maybe I should just stop checking Facebook. Neither of those will ever happen because I love babies (and I really enjoy Facebook). I love  baby toes and baby skin. I love fuzzy baby heads, and soft baby cheeks. My friends with babies have been given sweet, little gifts. I hope they all realize that as they are dealing with sleepless nights, feedings, diapers, and laundry. So keep the photos coming, friends. I really do love seeing your babies and everything they are doing.


Speaking of cheeks (we were, right?), Cole's were the best. Little man weighed only 3 lbs. 12 oz. when he was born. He was so little, but as he grew, his cheeks seemed to take over. They were soft, squishy, and oh so kissable.


Here are some of my favorite cheek photos:

So peaceful

I grabbed the camera since I knew his eyes
wouldn't stay open for long.

*Showin' some attitude



*One of my most favorite photos of Cole

*Snuggling with Mommy

*I posted this already, I know, but I can't help it.
CHEEKS!

*The best.

*Photos courtesy of Keri Dummerth Photography