The Battle

September is here, and it's been a hard month so far. I knew it would be. The first anniversary of Cole's death is less than 2 weeks away, and well, that just seems crazy. And I actually feel a bit crazy right now. I just cried and cried because I miss Cole so much. We have a busy month ahead, and all the things happening and coming up are good and positive, yet I feel like a crazy person emotionally. I'm overwhelmed by the busy-ness, and my heart is still broken. We just began a wonderful project to benefit others and to honor Cole's memory, and I am thankful for that opportunity. Our journey has brought new friends into my life and has re-connected me with old ones. This is all good, right? I know it is, yet none of it would have come about if Cole had been a normal, healthy baby. Cole struggled for 4 1/2 months, then he died. And now all these "good" things are happening. I don't know if I'm properly articulating the way I feel. It's just an emotional, spiritual battle.  I ask God "why" when I know full well I may never get the answer I want. I know He wants me to simply trust him. I need to trust that his plan for me is good. It is way better than anything I could dream up myself. Everything that happened last year and everything that has come to us as a result is part of that plan. Everything yet to come is part of that plan.

I will trust. It may be a battle, but I will trust.

A Really Good Day

Yesterday was a really good day. I wanted so much to write about it yesterday, but good things kept happening and I didn't have time to sit down at the computer. After weeks and weeks of extreme heat, St. Louis is finally getting a break in the weather. It has been beautiful this week, in fact, it feels like fall! I decided to start getting up earlier as often as I can to start the day with a walk in my lovely neighborhood, which is surrounded by hills and trees. Anyone who knows me well will agree that this is a big deal as I am not a morning person. I have not been exercising as often as I should, and unfortunately I am still carrying a lot of the weight I gained when I was pregnant with Cole. I am turning 40 next week (gulp!), and I want more energy. I need a whole lot more energy. Let me tell you that on the two days where I had walked in the morning, I felt absolutely energized. It was incredible! Yesterday was one of those days.

I headed out to run some errands, which included Target and Trader Joe's. Shopping at either of those places is always a good thing in my book. On my way I decided to take a detour and go to the cemetery. The day before, the 16th, marked 11 months since Cole's death, and the heat had kept me away from the cemetery for at least a month, maybe even two. I was overdue for a visit. I have mentioned the pinwheel we have on Cole's spot before. Whenever I see it spin, I picture Cole waving to me from Heaven.  As I drove up yesterday, I could see it just spinning away, and it was like Cole was waving and saying "Hi Mom! Where've you been?". I got out and crouched down to pull some weeds and long grass that had grown along the edges of the headstone. The pinwheel was still. Out loud I said, "I really miss you Cole", and that thing started spinning again! I laughed and kept talking, telling Cole about all the people that miss him. The pinwheel would move ever so slightly here and there. I never quite know what to make of that pinwheel, but it makes me really happy. Yesterday it was like Cole was right there with me listening and responding. I loved it. The weather was similar to what it was like the day of his funeral. The sky was bright blue, the temperature was pleasant, and there was a nice breeze. It was perfect. Needless to say, this visit with Cole energized me even more. The tone had been set for a really good day.

I went to Target and ended up being there longer than I had planned (as usual). It was lunch time, so I grabbed a sandwich and headed to a nearby park so that I could sit outside and eat. I didn't see another person there, and that was fine. I sat under a pavilion with my sandwich and my snazzy new smart phone (an early birthday present from Eric), and pulled up some music to listen to. A couple of the songs I heard as I ate reminded me of God's love. I needed that. I left for Trader Joe's and stocked up. I even bought some sunflowers which suited my mood. If you are reading this and don't know what TJ's is, you should google it. Then you should go to their website and suggest they build a TJ's near you. I'm serious.

I went home and still felt all that energy. I visited with a friend in my neighborhood up at her house, then popped in on my mother-in-law, who lives just across the street from that friend. Yes, my in-laws live in my neighborhood and it is the best. I couldn't have asked for better in-laws. Anyway, I headed back home an hour and a half later. Eric was home from work. We had our usual Friday night pizza, then to take advantage of the weather, we decided to go play putt-putt. He beat me by one point. Whatever. :) It was so much fun, and a good end to a really good day.

Thank you Lord for yesterday and for every day. Thank you for all of your blessings and for giving me reminders that you love me.





Cole's Gift

Last week, I reconnected with my friend Beth (thanks Facebook!). We have not seen each other or even talked for probably 4 -5 years. We wrote back and forth to catch up on each other's lives. She knew nothing about Cole, of course, so I filled her in and referred her to my blog. Beth started and runs a wonderful non-profit organization in Champaign, IL called Orphans Treasure Box Books. They sell donated, used books on-line through Amazon, and 100% of the net profit goes to orphan care and adoption assistance. In the midst of our online conversations this week, Beth decided that she wants Orphans Treasure Box to give a $2000 grant to a family who is adopting a child with a life - threatening illness. She wants to do this once every year that Orphans Treasure Box exists. She wants to call that grant "Cole's Gift". I read her message and was immediately overcome with emotion. Eric and I are both incredibly touched that Beth wants to honor Cole in this wonderful way. I asked her if she would be able to give us information on any of the families that receive the grant, and she told me she would actually like for Eric and I to be involved in the process of choosing the family. She even asked if I would research and find out which adoption agencies serve children who have life-threatening illnesses. Without question I'm going to do this. I have the time, and it will be good for me to have a project. I am so excited about what has transpired this week. It is such a God thing! Beth and I both can see God's hand in getting the two of us reconnected. He has plans, and those plans are big!

When I called my parents to tell them about Cole's Gift, my dad said something like, "Cole is still making things happen here". We told Eric's parents about it tonight, and my mother-in-law said, "Isn't God amazing?". Yes He is.


To "like" Orphans Treasure Box Books on Facebook, please click here.

10,000 Reasons

I love the song "10,000 Reasons" by Matt Redman. I especially love this verse:

"The sun comes up,
Its a new day dawning.
Its time to sing your song again.
What ever may pass and whatever lies before me,
Let me be singing when the evening comes."

This is a good reminder for me to stay focused on the Lord and to keep trusting and praising him no matter what the days bring. Take a listen here.