What Life is Like

Tomorrow marks the second anniversary of Cole's journey to Heaven. Two years. Eric and I differ on how that time has passed; to him it seems like it happened a long time ago, and to me it feels like it happened nearly yesterday. It is still surreal, and while I think we both have moved forward in our grief, neither one of us will ever completely get over losing Cole. But life is good, and God continues to teach, challenge, and bless us. We live our lives with hope and faith, along with big doses of laughter and twinges of sadness and fear. Hey, we're human, after all. We pray daily for another child, but as far as we're concerned, no other child can replace our precious Cole. If my mind goes to that place of thinking about living the rest of my life without Cole, it overwhelms me. But I know that once my earthly life is done, I will finally get to see my son again. How awesome will that be? It's incomprehensible.

Speaking of Heaven, I wonder all the time what Mr. Cole's life is like now. I'm certain he's just having the best time. Perhaps he takes turns sitting on the laps of his great grandparents, including the one he was named after. Maybe he's still a baby, or maybe he's a rambunctious 2 1/2 year old. I'm sure he's still cute. I know for sure Cole's life is free of pain, sadness, and trouble of any kind.

My sister-in-law, Melanie, was in town for three weeks in August. We went to lunch one day, and we talked about Cole like we often do. We pondered his Heavenly life. Melanie happened to be in town for my birthday, and she gave me the most beautiful gift. She is an incredible artist, and the gift was inspired by our conversation about Cole. I opened it, and was literally speechless.



This sketch of Cole as a toddler gives me a whole lot of joy. Not only did she capture Cole's features perfectly, but she surrounded him with things that have special meaning to us: a pinwheel, tulips (my favorite flower), and a little stuffed lamb that resembles the one we have in Cole's room and the identical one that is "with" him. And did you notice the little bird? We have two little zebra finches and enjoy birds in general. Cole looks so peaceful, happy, whole, and perfect here. What a sweet depiction of what Cole's life might be like.



One Year Anniversary

Whew. The last couple weeks have been a whirlwind. I am so, so behind with the blog, and I can't believe I let September 16th come and go without posting quickly afterwards. I'll explain what has been keeping me busy later on. For now, I'll concentrate on the events of the 16th (and the 15th, for that matter).

If you've been here before, you probably know that September 16th marked one year since Cole left this earth. We are nearly 2 weeks past that date now, and it still seems impossible that Cole has been gone for that long. As the day got closer and closer, I felt anxious. I was concerned I was going to be an emotional wreck that day. After all, September was already proving to be an emotionally difficult month.

It just so happened that on the 15th, there was going to be a picnic for Wings families. Wings is a pediatric supportive care program out of St. Louis Children's Hospital. Cole had spent 5 weeks in the NICU at Children's before he came home. Nurses from Wings visited our home once or twice a week to check on Cole. I could call them whenever I needed to, even in the middle of the night. One of the nurses spent about 4 hours at our home the day Cole suddenly got sick and then had to return to Children's for a week before he died. Wings has a social worker who has come out to see me a few times since Cole died. We didn't have to pay for any of these services. Wings is wonderful and will always have a place in our hearts. But this picnic was going to be the same weekend as Cole's death anniversary, and Eric and I feared it would all be too much. I really wanted to see the Wings staff, though, so we decided to attend.

We reminisced with the nurses about Cole and the joy of having him at home. I laughed a whole lot, and that was great.These ladies loved our Cole-man so much, and I am incredibly thankful that they are now part of our lives.This picnic may have actually come at just the right time.

At the end of the picnic, we all released butterflies. I had envisioned a perfect photo-op with a sky full of butterflies, but that didn't happen. Instead, many of the butterflies flew out of their little envelopes and hung out on the ground for awhile. The weather was cool that day, so not the best conditions for butterflies, but it allowed us to really look at them and admire their beauty.



Sunday the 16th arrived. As I look back on it, I think I felt the way I did the day of Cole's funeral. I was a bit numb and not overly emotional. Grief is strange sometimes. I guess I was just focused on and really looking forward to celebrating Cole. My parents and Eric's parents are our only family members in town except for my grandmother, who is pretty much confined to a nursing home. We had planned to all be together that day. The first stop on our celebration "tour" was a visit to the cemetery. I have mentioned before how much I love where Cole is laid to rest. It's a quiet, peaceful place surrounded by trees, and sometimes we may even see a deer or two. Thankfully, the cemetery is only about 15 minutes from home. We talked to Cole, his pinwheel spun, we gave him some fall decor, and we all sang "Jesus Loves Me".





Next we headed to a lovely park in our town for a picnic. The park has special meaning for us because it has a tree that is planted in Cole's memory. Last year when Eric and I returned home after Cole's visitation, we sat down to read through some of the cards we received. One was from several of our neighbors letting us know they had all gone in together to have the tree planted. We were stunned. A few of these neighbors didn't really know us well at all, yet they gave us this sweet, very generous gift. We didn't even know where that park was and had to find it on a map. I love that park now. I love that Cole's tree is there for others to see and enjoy.

After our picnic, we all headed back to our neighborhood for the main event. Last year, Eric's parents purchased a Chinese paper lantern that we launched the night of Cole's funeral. It was incredibly moving, and we decided to make it an annual tradition. Eric's parents live up on a hill, so we knew it would be a good launching site. We wrote messages to Cole, and sent the lantern up into the sky, which still had just a hint of blue in it. Just like last year, this new tradition was beautiful and moving. One of my neighbors texted me just minutes after we launched the lantern to let me know she and her daughters had seen it, and they talked about Cole as they watched. I was really touched.

Here's the video of the lantern launch:

September 16th has come and gone, and we got through it. I thank God for granting us the strength to do so. What a joy it was to celebrate our sweet boy's life in such memorable ways.

On a side note, I had a dream about Cole two nights ago. Sometimes I go to bed at night, and I pray that Cole will appear in a dream. I think I've only had one other dream about him since he left us, and I couldn't remember much about it. But my dream the other night was pretty vivid, although the scenario was weird and unclear. Anyway, in this dream, Cole was perfect. The baby didn't look exactly like Cole, but I was calling him Cole. He was smiling, giggling, and running, and I was telling people, "Look at Cole! Look at what he can do!". I woke up with a twinge of disappointment that it was only a dream, but I was immediately struck with the thought that maybe the dream was just a glimpse of what Cole's life is like in Heaven. It's perfect, and he is perfect.

A Really Good Day

Yesterday was a really good day. I wanted so much to write about it yesterday, but good things kept happening and I didn't have time to sit down at the computer. After weeks and weeks of extreme heat, St. Louis is finally getting a break in the weather. It has been beautiful this week, in fact, it feels like fall! I decided to start getting up earlier as often as I can to start the day with a walk in my lovely neighborhood, which is surrounded by hills and trees. Anyone who knows me well will agree that this is a big deal as I am not a morning person. I have not been exercising as often as I should, and unfortunately I am still carrying a lot of the weight I gained when I was pregnant with Cole. I am turning 40 next week (gulp!), and I want more energy. I need a whole lot more energy. Let me tell you that on the two days where I had walked in the morning, I felt absolutely energized. It was incredible! Yesterday was one of those days.

I headed out to run some errands, which included Target and Trader Joe's. Shopping at either of those places is always a good thing in my book. On my way I decided to take a detour and go to the cemetery. The day before, the 16th, marked 11 months since Cole's death, and the heat had kept me away from the cemetery for at least a month, maybe even two. I was overdue for a visit. I have mentioned the pinwheel we have on Cole's spot before. Whenever I see it spin, I picture Cole waving to me from Heaven.  As I drove up yesterday, I could see it just spinning away, and it was like Cole was waving and saying "Hi Mom! Where've you been?". I got out and crouched down to pull some weeds and long grass that had grown along the edges of the headstone. The pinwheel was still. Out loud I said, "I really miss you Cole", and that thing started spinning again! I laughed and kept talking, telling Cole about all the people that miss him. The pinwheel would move ever so slightly here and there. I never quite know what to make of that pinwheel, but it makes me really happy. Yesterday it was like Cole was right there with me listening and responding. I loved it. The weather was similar to what it was like the day of his funeral. The sky was bright blue, the temperature was pleasant, and there was a nice breeze. It was perfect. Needless to say, this visit with Cole energized me even more. The tone had been set for a really good day.

I went to Target and ended up being there longer than I had planned (as usual). It was lunch time, so I grabbed a sandwich and headed to a nearby park so that I could sit outside and eat. I didn't see another person there, and that was fine. I sat under a pavilion with my sandwich and my snazzy new smart phone (an early birthday present from Eric), and pulled up some music to listen to. A couple of the songs I heard as I ate reminded me of God's love. I needed that. I left for Trader Joe's and stocked up. I even bought some sunflowers which suited my mood. If you are reading this and don't know what TJ's is, you should google it. Then you should go to their website and suggest they build a TJ's near you. I'm serious.

I went home and still felt all that energy. I visited with a friend in my neighborhood up at her house, then popped in on my mother-in-law, who lives just across the street from that friend. Yes, my in-laws live in my neighborhood and it is the best. I couldn't have asked for better in-laws. Anyway, I headed back home an hour and a half later. Eric was home from work. We had our usual Friday night pizza, then to take advantage of the weather, we decided to go play putt-putt. He beat me by one point. Whatever. :) It was so much fun, and a good end to a really good day.

Thank you Lord for yesterday and for every day. Thank you for all of your blessings and for giving me reminders that you love me.





Anniversary

Nine months ago today, Cole passed away. Last month, the 16th went by, and I didn't realize it until a couple of days later. From October until April, I was emotional on the 16th. Even in the few days leading up to the 16th of those months I felt down. Perhaps I was subconsciously aware of it. Having "let" that day go by last month, I felt like maybe everything was getting easier. But here it is, the 16th of June, and I felt sad for part of the day. Maybe it's also because tomorrow is Father's day, and Mother's Day was hard for me. I asked my husband yesterday how he was feeling about Father's day, and he said he was just proud to be Cole's daddy. He wanted to visit the cemetery today, so we did. As strange as it sounds, I love to go "visit" Cole. The cemetery sits behind a quaint little country church surrounded by trees, and it's only about 15 minutes from home. It's so quiet and peaceful there. I enjoy brushing stray pieces of grass from Cole's stone and admiring the cute little lamb we had engraved on it. We have a blue pinwheel stuck in the ground, and when it spins and spins, I picture Cole waving excitedly to me from Heaven. I just know he's having a beautiful, perfect life there. I miss my baby. Nine months is much, much too long to have not seen him. But I know he's happy. I know with certainty I will see him again someday.