The Battle

September is here, and it's been a hard month so far. I knew it would be. The first anniversary of Cole's death is less than 2 weeks away, and well, that just seems crazy. And I actually feel a bit crazy right now. I just cried and cried because I miss Cole so much. We have a busy month ahead, and all the things happening and coming up are good and positive, yet I feel like a crazy person emotionally. I'm overwhelmed by the busy-ness, and my heart is still broken. We just began a wonderful project to benefit others and to honor Cole's memory, and I am thankful for that opportunity. Our journey has brought new friends into my life and has re-connected me with old ones. This is all good, right? I know it is, yet none of it would have come about if Cole had been a normal, healthy baby. Cole struggled for 4 1/2 months, then he died. And now all these "good" things are happening. I don't know if I'm properly articulating the way I feel. It's just an emotional, spiritual battle.  I ask God "why" when I know full well I may never get the answer I want. I know He wants me to simply trust him. I need to trust that his plan for me is good. It is way better than anything I could dream up myself. Everything that happened last year and everything that has come to us as a result is part of that plan. Everything yet to come is part of that plan.

I will trust. It may be a battle, but I will trust.

Cheeks

I cried tonight.


I hadn't done that in awhile. I'd been fine all day. So what was the trigger? Facebook, or more specifically, photos of babies on Facebook. It's not that I envy the friends who have babies. I'm truly, genuinely happy for them. Those photos sometimes remind me of all the things Cole was not able to do, and tonight was one of those times. Maybe I should just block the friends to keep their posts from showing up in my news feed. Or maybe I should just stop checking Facebook. Neither of those will ever happen because I love babies (and I really enjoy Facebook). I love  baby toes and baby skin. I love fuzzy baby heads, and soft baby cheeks. My friends with babies have been given sweet, little gifts. I hope they all realize that as they are dealing with sleepless nights, feedings, diapers, and laundry. So keep the photos coming, friends. I really do love seeing your babies and everything they are doing.


Speaking of cheeks (we were, right?), Cole's were the best. Little man weighed only 3 lbs. 12 oz. when he was born. He was so little, but as he grew, his cheeks seemed to take over. They were soft, squishy, and oh so kissable.


Here are some of my favorite cheek photos:

So peaceful

I grabbed the camera since I knew his eyes
wouldn't stay open for long.

*Showin' some attitude



*One of my most favorite photos of Cole

*Snuggling with Mommy

*I posted this already, I know, but I can't help it.
CHEEKS!

*The best.

*Photos courtesy of Keri Dummerth Photography