Tuesday, February 5, 2013


I haven't been here in awhile, and to be perfectly honest, I feel like I am not okay. My head is swimming, and physically I am run down. I miss Cole so much, and it just hurts. I remind myself repeatedly that where he is now is wonderful, but as his momma I want Cole to be here. I miss his skin, his cheeks, and the blonde fuzz on his head. I miss giving him a bath and the funny little shimmy shake he would do when I tried to clean his neck. I was never sure if it tickled or if he was annoyed. Whatever it was, it was just one of the qualities that made Cole unique and so very special. I miss how he would pull his knees up tight when we would change his diaper. We even had to go up one size sooner than necessary to make changings easier. For a baby who wasn't supposed to have much awareness of his surroundings, he sure would let us know that he didn't like to be messed with!

I miss his fingers too. Two on each hand were fused. The fingers on Cole's left hand were contracted most of the time except for the pointer finger. We would laugh when it looked as if Cole was pointing at something or someone. It was just so cute! But those fingers were also a sad reminder of Cole's host of issues that would take him from us too soon. I miss Cole's physical presence, but if he was still here, his struggles would be too. I miss my baby, but he's okay now.

The holidays have come and gone, and they were tough for me, even more so than in 2011, the year that Cole died. I don't know. I was probably still in some kind of shock then. I am in the second year of grief now, and I have read and heard that the second year is harder. I'm beginning to think that it is true. Eric and I have six nieces and one nephew that we adore.They all live out of town, and were here with their parents for Christmas. We have been blessed and are so fortunate that since the beginning of our relationship, our families have gotten along very well, and we typically spend holidays all together even if it is just us and both sets of parents. While it was wonderful to see our three siblings and their families this past Christmas, it seemed to magnify the painful fact that Cole isn't here. My sister-in-law even said to me that when she first saw us, it didn't seem right that Cole wasn't with us. He was missing.

We miss you Cole,
but we know you are whole
and perfect in every way.
You brought us such joy
our sweet baby boy.
We want you here today.
We know you're just fine,
but we long for the time
to be with you in Heaven.
Until that day arrives
we'll cherish your life
and the memories we've been given.

photos courtesy of Keri Dummerth Photography

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