I've been invited to take part in a retreat in October for moms who have lost children. Sometimes it is just surreal that I am in that category, in that group of moms that I used to feel so sad for. I still feel sad for them. And now I'm one of them.
Right now I feel like I can go on the retreat without any problem. It still seems pretty far off, but I know that as it gets closer and closer, I'll start to feel nervous about it. I've opted not to go to any support groups since Cole died. I haven't felt like I've needed it. Eric and I have had such strong support from our family and friends, plus I've had the opportunity to talk with a few people one on one, whether in person or online, who have lost a child, and that has been incredibly helpful. Sharing my feelings in a group setting will be very different, and I hope I'll be ready.
I began filling out the lengthy retreat application today. Only 25 women get to participate, hence the application. I couldn't fill it out in one sitting. I finished the first two pages or so which included describing my relationship with Cole and the story about his death. That was enough for me for today. I had to fight back tears as I wrote about the last moments of his life. One of these days, I will write that story here. The tricky thing about my blog is that it is a mix of past and present, where I think most blogs focus on the present. I'm probably over-thinking it (like I often do with most things), but I'm still figuring out how to balance the story of Cole's life with what is currently happening in my life. I want to share so much, and I want to do it right.
To all of you who have read newsighted, thank you so, so much! Please be patient with me as I figure out how and when to share the details of Cole's story. If you have read my blog and only know what you've read here, I feel like I've left you hanging. Thanks for hanging, though. I hope you'll continue to come back .