One Year Anniversary

Whew. The last couple weeks have been a whirlwind. I am so, so behind with the blog, and I can't believe I let September 16th come and go without posting quickly afterwards. I'll explain what has been keeping me busy later on. For now, I'll concentrate on the events of the 16th (and the 15th, for that matter).

If you've been here before, you probably know that September 16th marked one year since Cole left this earth. We are nearly 2 weeks past that date now, and it still seems impossible that Cole has been gone for that long. As the day got closer and closer, I felt anxious. I was concerned I was going to be an emotional wreck that day. After all, September was already proving to be an emotionally difficult month.

It just so happened that on the 15th, there was going to be a picnic for Wings families. Wings is a pediatric supportive care program out of St. Louis Children's Hospital. Cole had spent 5 weeks in the NICU at Children's before he came home. Nurses from Wings visited our home once or twice a week to check on Cole. I could call them whenever I needed to, even in the middle of the night. One of the nurses spent about 4 hours at our home the day Cole suddenly got sick and then had to return to Children's for a week before he died. Wings has a social worker who has come out to see me a few times since Cole died. We didn't have to pay for any of these services. Wings is wonderful and will always have a place in our hearts. But this picnic was going to be the same weekend as Cole's death anniversary, and Eric and I feared it would all be too much. I really wanted to see the Wings staff, though, so we decided to attend.

We reminisced with the nurses about Cole and the joy of having him at home. I laughed a whole lot, and that was great.These ladies loved our Cole-man so much, and I am incredibly thankful that they are now part of our lives.This picnic may have actually come at just the right time.

At the end of the picnic, we all released butterflies. I had envisioned a perfect photo-op with a sky full of butterflies, but that didn't happen. Instead, many of the butterflies flew out of their little envelopes and hung out on the ground for awhile. The weather was cool that day, so not the best conditions for butterflies, but it allowed us to really look at them and admire their beauty.



Sunday the 16th arrived. As I look back on it, I think I felt the way I did the day of Cole's funeral. I was a bit numb and not overly emotional. Grief is strange sometimes. I guess I was just focused on and really looking forward to celebrating Cole. My parents and Eric's parents are our only family members in town except for my grandmother, who is pretty much confined to a nursing home. We had planned to all be together that day. The first stop on our celebration "tour" was a visit to the cemetery. I have mentioned before how much I love where Cole is laid to rest. It's a quiet, peaceful place surrounded by trees, and sometimes we may even see a deer or two. Thankfully, the cemetery is only about 15 minutes from home. We talked to Cole, his pinwheel spun, we gave him some fall decor, and we all sang "Jesus Loves Me".





Next we headed to a lovely park in our town for a picnic. The park has special meaning for us because it has a tree that is planted in Cole's memory. Last year when Eric and I returned home after Cole's visitation, we sat down to read through some of the cards we received. One was from several of our neighbors letting us know they had all gone in together to have the tree planted. We were stunned. A few of these neighbors didn't really know us well at all, yet they gave us this sweet, very generous gift. We didn't even know where that park was and had to find it on a map. I love that park now. I love that Cole's tree is there for others to see and enjoy.

After our picnic, we all headed back to our neighborhood for the main event. Last year, Eric's parents purchased a Chinese paper lantern that we launched the night of Cole's funeral. It was incredibly moving, and we decided to make it an annual tradition. Eric's parents live up on a hill, so we knew it would be a good launching site. We wrote messages to Cole, and sent the lantern up into the sky, which still had just a hint of blue in it. Just like last year, this new tradition was beautiful and moving. One of my neighbors texted me just minutes after we launched the lantern to let me know she and her daughters had seen it, and they talked about Cole as they watched. I was really touched.

Here's the video of the lantern launch:

September 16th has come and gone, and we got through it. I thank God for granting us the strength to do so. What a joy it was to celebrate our sweet boy's life in such memorable ways.

On a side note, I had a dream about Cole two nights ago. Sometimes I go to bed at night, and I pray that Cole will appear in a dream. I think I've only had one other dream about him since he left us, and I couldn't remember much about it. But my dream the other night was pretty vivid, although the scenario was weird and unclear. Anyway, in this dream, Cole was perfect. The baby didn't look exactly like Cole, but I was calling him Cole. He was smiling, giggling, and running, and I was telling people, "Look at Cole! Look at what he can do!". I woke up with a twinge of disappointment that it was only a dream, but I was immediately struck with the thought that maybe the dream was just a glimpse of what Cole's life is like in Heaven. It's perfect, and he is perfect.

The Battle

September is here, and it's been a hard month so far. I knew it would be. The first anniversary of Cole's death is less than 2 weeks away, and well, that just seems crazy. And I actually feel a bit crazy right now. I just cried and cried because I miss Cole so much. We have a busy month ahead, and all the things happening and coming up are good and positive, yet I feel like a crazy person emotionally. I'm overwhelmed by the busy-ness, and my heart is still broken. We just began a wonderful project to benefit others and to honor Cole's memory, and I am thankful for that opportunity. Our journey has brought new friends into my life and has re-connected me with old ones. This is all good, right? I know it is, yet none of it would have come about if Cole had been a normal, healthy baby. Cole struggled for 4 1/2 months, then he died. And now all these "good" things are happening. I don't know if I'm properly articulating the way I feel. It's just an emotional, spiritual battle.  I ask God "why" when I know full well I may never get the answer I want. I know He wants me to simply trust him. I need to trust that his plan for me is good. It is way better than anything I could dream up myself. Everything that happened last year and everything that has come to us as a result is part of that plan. Everything yet to come is part of that plan.

I will trust. It may be a battle, but I will trust.

Family Photo Shoot

Our family received a wonderful gift one year ago today. A friend and neighbor of mine knew of a local photographer that was looking to photograph a family with unique circumstances. My friend wrote the photographer about us, and we were chosen to receive the photo shoot for free. We were overwhelmed with gratitude.

Keri Dummerth came to our home and spent about three hours taking photos of the three of us. She told us just to do what we normally do, and she would click away. She made it fun and so easy, and she took the most beautiful photos. Our family will treasure them forever. Click here to see the post on Keri's blog about our photo shoot.

Check out more of Keri's photos on some of my earlier posts. And here are some more of my favorites (you'll notice we removed Cole's feeding tube so we could see his whole, beautiful face):

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



Thank you so, so much again Keri!

 

 

 

 

A Really Good Day

Yesterday was a really good day. I wanted so much to write about it yesterday, but good things kept happening and I didn't have time to sit down at the computer. After weeks and weeks of extreme heat, St. Louis is finally getting a break in the weather. It has been beautiful this week, in fact, it feels like fall! I decided to start getting up earlier as often as I can to start the day with a walk in my lovely neighborhood, which is surrounded by hills and trees. Anyone who knows me well will agree that this is a big deal as I am not a morning person. I have not been exercising as often as I should, and unfortunately I am still carrying a lot of the weight I gained when I was pregnant with Cole. I am turning 40 next week (gulp!), and I want more energy. I need a whole lot more energy. Let me tell you that on the two days where I had walked in the morning, I felt absolutely energized. It was incredible! Yesterday was one of those days.

I headed out to run some errands, which included Target and Trader Joe's. Shopping at either of those places is always a good thing in my book. On my way I decided to take a detour and go to the cemetery. The day before, the 16th, marked 11 months since Cole's death, and the heat had kept me away from the cemetery for at least a month, maybe even two. I was overdue for a visit. I have mentioned the pinwheel we have on Cole's spot before. Whenever I see it spin, I picture Cole waving to me from Heaven.  As I drove up yesterday, I could see it just spinning away, and it was like Cole was waving and saying "Hi Mom! Where've you been?". I got out and crouched down to pull some weeds and long grass that had grown along the edges of the headstone. The pinwheel was still. Out loud I said, "I really miss you Cole", and that thing started spinning again! I laughed and kept talking, telling Cole about all the people that miss him. The pinwheel would move ever so slightly here and there. I never quite know what to make of that pinwheel, but it makes me really happy. Yesterday it was like Cole was right there with me listening and responding. I loved it. The weather was similar to what it was like the day of his funeral. The sky was bright blue, the temperature was pleasant, and there was a nice breeze. It was perfect. Needless to say, this visit with Cole energized me even more. The tone had been set for a really good day.

I went to Target and ended up being there longer than I had planned (as usual). It was lunch time, so I grabbed a sandwich and headed to a nearby park so that I could sit outside and eat. I didn't see another person there, and that was fine. I sat under a pavilion with my sandwich and my snazzy new smart phone (an early birthday present from Eric), and pulled up some music to listen to. A couple of the songs I heard as I ate reminded me of God's love. I needed that. I left for Trader Joe's and stocked up. I even bought some sunflowers which suited my mood. If you are reading this and don't know what TJ's is, you should google it. Then you should go to their website and suggest they build a TJ's near you. I'm serious.

I went home and still felt all that energy. I visited with a friend in my neighborhood up at her house, then popped in on my mother-in-law, who lives just across the street from that friend. Yes, my in-laws live in my neighborhood and it is the best. I couldn't have asked for better in-laws. Anyway, I headed back home an hour and a half later. Eric was home from work. We had our usual Friday night pizza, then to take advantage of the weather, we decided to go play putt-putt. He beat me by one point. Whatever. :) It was so much fun, and a good end to a really good day.

Thank you Lord for yesterday and for every day. Thank you for all of your blessings and for giving me reminders that you love me.





Sharing

I've been invited to take part in a retreat in October for moms who have lost children. Sometimes it is just surreal that I am in that category, in that group of moms that I used to feel so sad for. I still feel sad for them. And now I'm one of them.

Right now I feel like I can go on the retreat without any problem. It still seems pretty far off, but I know that as it gets closer and closer, I'll start to feel nervous about it. I've opted not to go to any support groups since Cole died. I haven't felt like I've needed it. Eric and I have had such strong support from our family and friends, plus I've had the opportunity to talk with a few people one on one, whether in person or online, who have lost a child, and that has been incredibly helpful. Sharing my feelings in a group setting will be very different, and I hope I'll be ready.

I began filling out the lengthy retreat application today. Only 25 women get to participate, hence the application. I couldn't fill it out in one sitting. I finished the first two pages or so which included describing my relationship with Cole and the story about his death. That was enough for me for today. I had to fight back tears as I wrote about the last moments of his life. One of these days, I will write that story here. The tricky thing about my blog is that it is a mix of past and present, where I think most blogs focus on the present. I'm probably over-thinking it (like I often do with most things), but I'm still figuring out how to balance the story of Cole's life with what is currently happening in my life. I want to share so much, and I want to do it right.

To all of you who have read newsighted, thank you so, so much! Please be patient with me as I figure out how and when to share the details of Cole's story. If you have read my blog and only know what you've read here, I feel like I've left you hanging. Thanks for hanging, though. I hope you'll continue to come back .

Cole's Gift

Last week, I reconnected with my friend Beth (thanks Facebook!). We have not seen each other or even talked for probably 4 -5 years. We wrote back and forth to catch up on each other's lives. She knew nothing about Cole, of course, so I filled her in and referred her to my blog. Beth started and runs a wonderful non-profit organization in Champaign, IL called Orphans Treasure Box Books. They sell donated, used books on-line through Amazon, and 100% of the net profit goes to orphan care and adoption assistance. In the midst of our online conversations this week, Beth decided that she wants Orphans Treasure Box to give a $2000 grant to a family who is adopting a child with a life - threatening illness. She wants to do this once every year that Orphans Treasure Box exists. She wants to call that grant "Cole's Gift". I read her message and was immediately overcome with emotion. Eric and I are both incredibly touched that Beth wants to honor Cole in this wonderful way. I asked her if she would be able to give us information on any of the families that receive the grant, and she told me she would actually like for Eric and I to be involved in the process of choosing the family. She even asked if I would research and find out which adoption agencies serve children who have life-threatening illnesses. Without question I'm going to do this. I have the time, and it will be good for me to have a project. I am so excited about what has transpired this week. It is such a God thing! Beth and I both can see God's hand in getting the two of us reconnected. He has plans, and those plans are big!

When I called my parents to tell them about Cole's Gift, my dad said something like, "Cole is still making things happen here". We told Eric's parents about it tonight, and my mother-in-law said, "Isn't God amazing?". Yes He is.


To "like" Orphans Treasure Box Books on Facebook, please click here.

It's Okay to Ask

It's okay to ask me about Cole.

I appreciate the thoughtfulness of friends and family who ask me about Cole's life, death, and how I am dealing with it. There are some who never ask, and well, it hurts. I try my best to give them the benefit of the doubt since I know that everyone deals with loss very differently. But really, if I'm face to face with someone, and I know that they know what happened last year, and they don't ask me about any of it, then I feel like there's a big elephant in the room. And then I feel disappointed, confused, and angry. Do they want to spare my feelings?  Do they want to just spare their own feelings? Have they forgotten about Cole? Is that even possible? I don't know the answer, and I surely never confront them. I guess at some point I won't expect to be asked all the time, and I pray that will happen sooner than later. Grief is a process though, and I don't know that I can change it or speed it up. So for now I want to be asked. Maybe I need to be asked. And if you've asked already, I really, truly am thankful.